Dad, here's a big FUCK YOU.

All you ever do is judge me, yell at me, lecture me, tell me I'm wrong, tell me I'm horrible, tell me I'm selfish, ignorant, without morals, and yet you say you love me. You're a lot like god, aren't you? You fucking douchebag.

You physically cannot comprehend you not being right, and you are incapable of dropping an issue, or not making a lecture out of something. Your lectures are all mental masturbation, too.

"I'm right, ooh wow, I'm so right. See how right I am? This is why you're wrong. You're always wrong. You attack me, you persecute me, but you know I'm right. You deny my rightness because you can't handle the extreme rightness."

It sickens me.

Congrats, Dad. You are the only person in the world that I hate. And believe me, I hate you. I ABHOR you. The only reason I don't wish your death is because it would make mom sad and would be of no direct benefit to me.

No, I don't hate you because I expect you to pay for my college. And no, this does NOT have fucking ANYTHING to do with religion! SHUT UP! I'm so tired of hearing your voice, seeing your wide-eyes and raised eyebrows. Listening to you stutter in your smug anger, translating all your fucking stupid errors. You are stupid, btw. I don't know if you've noticed. A's do not make you smart. A's at a christian college--studying theology, DEFINITELY do not make you smart.

Believe it or not, there is a whole world outside of you. A whole world where being gay isn't wrong, where people swear, where co-ed dorms are the norm( and not a terrible thing! Who cares?! We're adults!), where people have sex before marriage and don't have thousands of terrible consequences. You're so stuck in your bibble bubble that you can't comprehend these things--except to gape and condemn.

I would give almost anything to just be away from you. Wouldn't that be great? Sadly, I need for the next 4 years, because college is a bitch. How is it my fault that I don't have any money? How is it my fault that you don't want to pay? Why are you punishing me?! Give me loans, help me get them so it becomes MY problem! Please!

You've been nothing but a cause of stress, frustration and depression for me for the past 6 years or so. Depending on if you count damage from religious indoctrination. And oh yes there was. You would never believe me. You never believe me, you never listen to me.

I could go on for hours, DAYS, about how much I passionately hate you. What does that say about you? As a general rule, I cannot hold a grudge, I cannot stay angry longer than 15min, I don't hate anyone. You are the only fucking exception and one day I will tell you this. And you'll have to live with your failures for the rest of your life--if you ever get you head out of your ass and stop denying everything--that would be a suitable torture for you. Make you feel like I have for about 7 years. A failure. Worthless. Scum. Unloved. Unwanted. But only because of you/around you, of course. Well... that's only recent. 2 years or so ago was I better when you weren't around to fuck up my life some more. Actually, other than anything involving you, I much like my life.

Actually pay attention when there are thousands of warning signs...

Seriously. You're not special, you won't be the "one exception." There is no exception to this rule, there is only the rule.

Long distance relationships NEVER work. Let me emphasize that never with a visualization. Never is nothing, impossible, does not exist. Just try to imagine a time that never happened, it's a negative moment in time, an imaginary, impossible number, dividing by zero.

Why such emphasis with a seemingly unnecessary amount of adjectives? Because, you see, I'm stuck in a long distance relationship. Yes, "stuck."

I love him. More than anything in this world, more than anyone, with more conviction and unwavering loyalty and addiction to him than I could ever consider sane. If you asked me why, I suppose I could try to explain. But it would never really make sense to you, as you're not me.

It's because I love him that it pains me so excessively. I'm not quixotic-- I'm actually very realistic about these things-- I just find myself enamored to the point where I'm forced to use the cliché phrase "can't live with him, can't live without him." I can't stand that he's so far away, can't stand that I can't see him, touch him, hug him, etc. Those simple pleasures really ought to be cherished more in the average relationship.

You can't just compare my situation to someone who's never had anyone, it's a very different pain. When your heart cries out and attempts to pull itself away from your body, just to be closer to the one you love(and who loves you with the same conviction)--something you can't be-- a part of yourself might actually sever and disappear for lengths of time. A part of yourself that you can't acknowledge without excruciating pain--the pain of being forcibly removed from the only person you truly want to be near, at the cost of all else.

The longer you live with this pain, the more it burns itself into you. I've turned into a strange mishmash of emotional defaults (though I suppose, these problems aren't unusual with me). I'll turn from complete apathy about the situation to exuberant just to speak with him to a teary eyed, pained creature who speaks as if it's the end of the world, but she can't die.

Now, keep in mind that this is what can happen if you truly LOVE the person you're with. I'm sure you can imagine all the atrocities of what others can do when one or the other (or both) feel no love for the other. Lies, hatred, passive aggression, revenge, cheating(which is a variable that only counts if it's hidden from the other, emotional cheating, or in most cases where jealousy or either party wouldn't approve).

It's been two years. Two FUCKING years. Of course, with more to come. I'm off to college next year(80% sure it won't be his, because I am sure as hell not jeopardizing my future career to spend about a hundred thousand of dollars just to go to his college and be with him there until he leaves two years before me), the distances have long been about a thousand miles already, with not much changing, and he'll have two more years before he finishes his degree--four for me.

I want this to end. But I couldn't dare leave him, what good would that do? I've thought it over, and there is nothing I can do to improve my situation. At least this way, I can still occasionally hear his voice, maybe see his face...

Anyway, do you see all that pain, frustration, and all around desperation above? Do you want that?

Just trust me here, you don't.

Long distance relationships don't work. Ever.

The only time they do is if they're for very short amounts of time, in which you know for sure that the other will return and when--hence distance isn't really the issue, it's absence with a promised return, a vacation perhaps.

No one likes a long distance relationship, unless of course, they never really felt for the other person anyways.

Just don't start it, and avoid it at all costs. Because it will slowly destroy you, no matter how strong you are.