I HATE HOW I CAN'T HELP ANYONE! NOT EVEN MYSELF!
It fucking hurts how I see/hear about all this shit and I can do NOTHING. NOTHING. It really hurts, because... I actually care. As much as I probably really shouldn't...
Monday, June 22, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
You know what else?
College is a bitch. The entire thing. Oh, sure the independence/freedom is greaaat, just TRY to pay for it all first and find out a place that won't suck the life out of what you want to do and make you regret ever choosing the major you did. (Even though everyone can feel that, so I guess there's no such thing as good major.) No one ever feels secure, you just pretend you are and try to forget that you aren't and that even worse things are coming up around.
Did you know that 77% of Americans hate their jobs? Google did. I'm not surprised at all. Life isn't for enjoyment apparantly. Then what is it for?! Seriously? Fulfillment? Learning? Experience? Satisfaction? All require you to be at least remotely content with your life, maybe even happy...
Oh whatever. We'll see what happens. I just want a reason to get up in the morning other than because I have to...
Did you know that 77% of Americans hate their jobs? Google did. I'm not surprised at all. Life isn't for enjoyment apparantly. Then what is it for?! Seriously? Fulfillment? Learning? Experience? Satisfaction? All require you to be at least remotely content with your life, maybe even happy...
Oh whatever. We'll see what happens. I just want a reason to get up in the morning other than because I have to...
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Fuck this. I need to rant.
I feel awful right now. Why do I ever even bother? Fucking life, happiness is only distractions from the knowledge that life actually sucks and every breath you take is another closer to death-where all hell breaks loose. If that's literal, I don't care.
This is all so stupid, seriously, why bother? I can't change my life, I'm still a "child" or considered one, as I have a raging Children's Pastor for a father. He's of strict christian faith, though it's the least strict one I've seen. Everyone just needs to believe in Jesus to go to heaven. That's what I was told by questioning them. The look of horror on my mother's face was priceless when I told her that I think her religion doesn't make sense to me. My father is "trying" to be understanding. Hey, I JUST decided to tell you, dickwad. If I didn't, I would've just kept lying to you, as I have been lying to everyone. My dad's afraid of his reputation. I know he is. He still forces me to go to church, as if that does any good. Seriously. No. It makes me hate church EVEN MORE and all i "get out of it" is even more reasons why Christianity is stupid.
Oh noes! Does I soundz intolerant?! Fuck you. I've lived my whole life in the mess, and sure, it could work for you. But i'm not talking about you right now, so go crawl back in your little bubble where you think god loves the world and everyone tells you so.
The reason I'm writing this in a BLOG(for god's sake), would happen to be because the one person that MAY have made me feel better has not actually paid attention to me for a week or so. Oh sure, the boy calls me. But that means nothing, becuase he's always distraced and never actually listens to me and never says anything which makes me forget what I was going to say and not even want to tell the kid anyways. Useless piece of junk... We talked about dogs today. Sure, I'd love to have ever had a dog in my life. But I didn't, he's had many. Oh wow! Great convo, amirite? ...
I'm just sick of this bullshit. I have to lie to everyone constantly, because the only people I actually find interesting live far away or the one in my school happens to be in school when we talk...
I don't even care. It's not him I miss anymore. (though I do) He's just not priority. How can he be, when he can't make anything better.
I'm stuck with my intolerant, insufferable dad and all I want is to just cease existing. Dying is effort.
But hey, it's all futile anyways. Living, dying. It's not like any of that matters.
I wish it did.
I just... can't be happy, I suppose. Especially not now. I trick myself into thinking I am for most of the day. What is happiness? What makes it genuine?
If anyone ever actually reads this, you wasted your time. This is the least important thing you could be doing.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I can't live very well. I'm quite bad at living, actually. And I can't die. Too many people need/want me alive. So I sit here and stare at things on the internet and distract myself until I no longer feel anymore.
FUCK! I JUST WROTE FUCKING EMO SHIT!
Well, it's not for anyone else, anyways. If anyone is reading this, I'll have to kill you.
JUST LET ME DIE, PEOPLE! I AM ALREADY DEAD ANYWAYS!
This is all so stupid, seriously, why bother? I can't change my life, I'm still a "child" or considered one, as I have a raging Children's Pastor for a father. He's of strict christian faith, though it's the least strict one I've seen. Everyone just needs to believe in Jesus to go to heaven. That's what I was told by questioning them. The look of horror on my mother's face was priceless when I told her that I think her religion doesn't make sense to me. My father is "trying" to be understanding. Hey, I JUST decided to tell you, dickwad. If I didn't, I would've just kept lying to you, as I have been lying to everyone. My dad's afraid of his reputation. I know he is. He still forces me to go to church, as if that does any good. Seriously. No. It makes me hate church EVEN MORE and all i "get out of it" is even more reasons why Christianity is stupid.
Oh noes! Does I soundz intolerant?! Fuck you. I've lived my whole life in the mess, and sure, it could work for you. But i'm not talking about you right now, so go crawl back in your little bubble where you think god loves the world and everyone tells you so.
The reason I'm writing this in a BLOG(for god's sake), would happen to be because the one person that MAY have made me feel better has not actually paid attention to me for a week or so. Oh sure, the boy calls me. But that means nothing, becuase he's always distraced and never actually listens to me and never says anything which makes me forget what I was going to say and not even want to tell the kid anyways. Useless piece of junk... We talked about dogs today. Sure, I'd love to have ever had a dog in my life. But I didn't, he's had many. Oh wow! Great convo, amirite? ...
I'm just sick of this bullshit. I have to lie to everyone constantly, because the only people I actually find interesting live far away or the one in my school happens to be in school when we talk...
I don't even care. It's not him I miss anymore. (though I do) He's just not priority. How can he be, when he can't make anything better.
I'm stuck with my intolerant, insufferable dad and all I want is to just cease existing. Dying is effort.
But hey, it's all futile anyways. Living, dying. It's not like any of that matters.
I wish it did.
I just... can't be happy, I suppose. Especially not now. I trick myself into thinking I am for most of the day. What is happiness? What makes it genuine?
If anyone ever actually reads this, you wasted your time. This is the least important thing you could be doing.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I can't live very well. I'm quite bad at living, actually. And I can't die. Too many people need/want me alive. So I sit here and stare at things on the internet and distract myself until I no longer feel anymore.
FUCK! I JUST WROTE FUCKING EMO SHIT!
Well, it's not for anyone else, anyways. If anyone is reading this, I'll have to kill you.
JUST LET ME DIE, PEOPLE! I AM ALREADY DEAD ANYWAYS!
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